And @%$& to boot
by Skulryk
Summary: One EXTEREMLY messed up FF7 fic, that starts with Reeve being kidnapped, and goes crazy from there. Beware, reading this will most likely cause a loss of sanity..


Another day at Shinra, Reeve woke up. But something was.... Different.   
Reeve: "Huh? What's going on?"   
Strange music plays in the background. Suddenly, voices are heard. Reeve can't make much of them out.   
Low voice: "??????soon?????Sith cannot??????now."   
Crazy Voice: "I want revenge for???????destroying????????and ch?????."   
Voices come closer. Reeve can make more out.   
Low Voice: "But why him? Why not the others?"   
Crazy voice: "You know he is the most trusting. Besides, he's the easiest to control."   
_DANGER!_ Reeve suddenly thought. He tried to run, but realized that he was glued down to his bed. Suddenly, gas started to pour out, and he dropped into unconsciousness. 

* * *

Yuffie: Hmm, Cait's asleep. Maybe I'll steal some of his materia!   
Yuffie starts to take his materia. Suddenly, a maniacal voice comes out of Cait Sith.   
Cait Sith: "WHAT ARE YOU DOING! I WILL KILL YOU!!!!!!" He attempts to attack Yuffie with his HP shout, but the ninja deftly jumps out of the way, and is down the hall before Cait even realizes his materia is gone. "The materia! Come back!" Cait shouts at Yuffie.   
Yuffie: Geez, he's not his normal self, is he? He must be grumpy when he wakes up. Skips down the hall with the materia.   
Cait Sith comes to Cid, who is peacefully resting next to a can of Hash and the videotape collection of Dukes of Hazard Hell.   
Suddenly Cait Sith started to move. Voices cam from the toyasaurus.   
Low Voice: "What are you doing? I thought we were gonna take care of Cloud!"   
Crazy voice: "We'll do that later! Lets take care of MY problems first!"   
Low Voice: "GIMME THAT REMOTE!" Cait Sith moves out of Cid's quarters.   
Crazy Voice: "NEVER! DON'T MAKE ME KILL YOU!!!" Cait Sith's body moves the other way, and falls down on Cid's videotapes. Overloaded, the body starts smoking. Cid wakes up.   
Cid: "What the hell? OH MY GOD! MY TAPES! YOU'RE GONNA DIE, CAT!!!" 

* * *

A loud commotion wakes Cloud up.   
Cloud: "What's goin on?" Cloud walks to Cid's quarters, where he finds Cid beating Cait Sith.   
Cloud: "Cid! What are you doing? Stop it!"   
Cid: "He fell on my videotapes! He's not gonna get away that easily! I gotta kill him!"   
Cloud: "He fell on those Dukes of Hazard Hell tapes? Thank the lord!"   
Cid: "What? Don't make me kill you too!"   
Cait Sith, no longer overloaded, starts to leave.   
Cid: "Oh no you don't! First, tell me what you were doing in my room!"   
Barret comes in.   
Barret: "What the hell's goin' on?"   
Cloud: "Cait Sith destroyed Cid's tapes"   
Barret: "Those $#^@! Dukes of Hazard Hell tapes? Good!"   
Cid: "Shut up! Those tapes are loads better than your crappy 'Mr. T' impression!"   
Barret: "I pity tha foo' who doesn't like my impressions!"   
During the argument, Cait Sith leaves. Nobody notices. Finally, after a few hours of argument, it is morning. 

* * *

Back at Shinra HQ, the Turks are faced with a problem.   
Reno: "Oh Crap! Palmer just ate the whole shipment of food!"   
Rude: "We gotta stop him!"   
Palmer: "Hee hee hee... hic! More tea! More tea! And don't forget the lard!"   
Elena: "This is bad... Get Reeve, quick!"   
Reno + Rude: "Why Reeve?"   
Elena: "He fixed Palmer's problem last time, didn't he?"   
Rude: "I guess you're right."   
The Turks leave to Reeve's office.   
Reno: "What the hell? Where's Reeve?"   
Elena: "He should be here. Something's wrong."   
Rude: "His Sith controller is gone too! He always has that! I wonder what happened?"   
Suddenly, Palmer busts into the room.   
Palmer: "We're out of food! We're out of food! Can I eat our reserve supply?"   
Rude: "Shut up, ya fat pig! You ate all the $^@*# food!" Rude kicks Palmer, and Palmer rolls down a flight of stairs."   
Palmer: "Oh NOOOOOO!!!!!"   
Elena walks into Reeve's bedroom. "You think he slept late?"   
Rude: "Reeve never oversleeps! That's Reno's job."   
Reno: "What did you say?" Sees a bottle of liqueur. "Ooh, Tequila!" Starts drinking it.   
Rude: "Oh, I forgot. You have two jobs, Reno. Sleepin' and Drinkin'." Reno doesn't notice.   
Elena: "I don't care, I'm checking anyways."   
Elena walks into Reeve's bedroom. Suddenly, screams are heard. Reno and Rude run into the room.   
Elena: "Oh my god! Look at that mess!" Points to huge mess on the floor.   
Rude: "Elena, you idiot. Don't do that.. What about Reeve?"   
Elena: "I dunno."   
Reno, now drunk, stumbles onto Reeve's bed. The bed opens up, and Reno falls in.   
Reno: "Oh craaaaaaaaap!"   
Elena and Rude follow Reno, being more careful.   
They come out in some sort of cave.   
Elena: "Look at this! Do you think Reeve's down here?"   
Rude: "Whatever we do, let's get some backup." Takes out his PHS and calls Cloud. 

* * *

__

Meanwhile, Back at the Highwind...   
Cid: "What is it with these goddamn asterisks?"   
Cloud: "Shut up Cid"   
Cid: "You shut up! And where's that goddamn cat? I gotta bone to pick with him."   
Barret: "An I gotta medal to give to him! Those tapes were hell to watch!"   
Cid: "Stop bashin my show!"   
Tifa, Vincent, and Yuffie walk in   
Tifa: "What's goin on?"   
Barret: "Cait destroyed Cid's &^$#% tapes."   
Cid: "Those &^$#% tapes??! THOSE &^$#% TAPES??! How dare you call the best tapes in the world 'Cid's &^$#% tapes'   
Yuffie: "Why was Cait in here in the first place?"   
Cid: "That's what I'm gonna find out. WHERE ARE YA, YA GODDAMN CAT?"   
Cloud's PHS begins to ring. Cloud answers it.   
Cloud: "Hello? Hello? What is it?"   
Rude (on PHS): "Hello, Cloud Strife? We need your help. Something happened to Reeve."   
Cid: "What, is he sick? He's gonna be a lot more than sick for destroy my tapes!!!"   
Cloud: "Never mind him. What happened?"   
Rude: "Well, Palmer ate all the food, so we went to get him. We couldn't find him though, and Reno accidentally discovered a tunnel under Reeve's bed."   
Cloud: "Geez, this is bad. We'll get there as soon as we can, but that won't be for a while. I'll give you the number for some mercenaries nearby though."   
Vincent: "So that's why Cait was here. But if Reeve wasn't in charge of Cait, than who was?" 

* * *

__

At Vicks and Wedge Mercenaries...   
The PHS rings.   
Wedge and Vicks try to find the PHS under piles of papers. They finally find it on the old, moldy slice of pizza.   
Wedge: "Hello, Vicks and Wedge Mercenaries!"   
Rude: "What the hell? That was like 32 rings or somethin!"   
Wedge: "Only the best, for our guests! What do you want?"   
Rude: "I need some mercenaries. Why else would I call this dump?"   
Wedge: Wedge ignores the comment. "Well, how many do you need?"   
Rude: "About 20 to 30 men. This is gonna be quite a big job."   
Wedge: "Ok!" Voices are heard in the background. "Vicks! We got a job!" Wedge goes back to the PHS. "Ok! We'll send two over right now!"   
Rude: "What? Only two? I asked for 20 to 30 men! Not two!"   
Wedge: "Only the best for our guests!"   
Rude: "Shut up! How much is this gonna cost us anyways?"   
Wedge: "Ok, we'll sign you up for our 'XDeath' policy!"   
Rude: "The XDeath policy? What the hell is that?"   
Wedge: "Well, you sign a contract that says each time one of us dies, you hafta pay 10 gil! How's that?"   
Rude: "Uh, whatever. What if you don't die?"   
Laughing is heard in the background. Wedge goes back to the PHS.   
Wedge: "Don't worry, that won't happen."   
Rude: "Whatever. Just send them over now. Go to the ShinRa building on the 69th floor, and go to room 3AB. Then jump on the bed."   
Wedge: "Ok! And we'll even throw in an asterisk!"   
They both hang up the PHS.   
Wedge (to Vicks): "Vicks! We got us a job!"   
Vicks: "Oh, great! Lets go!"   
Wedge and Vicks leave. 

* * * *

__

Back in the cave...   
Rude hangs up the PHS.   
Elena: "Sir! Something happened! There was another asterisk! Oh, by the way, did you get the mercenaries?"   
Rude: "So that's what they meant. Yeah, I got them. They sure are strange, though."   
Elena: "Whatever. Oh, and come here. Reno found another bottle of Tequila."   
Reno: "Whoooo Hoo!" Starts running down the cave.   
Rude + Elena: "Reno! Come back!"   
They start chasing him down the hall. 

Aah falling asterisks!  
, , ,   
* * *

__

Back on the Highwind... 

Tifa: "Ooowww! I got hit by an asterisk!"   
Cid: "We're under attack! Duck and Cover, damnit!!!"   
Vincent: "God, Cid. If you had any sense in you at all, you'd know it was a place change. This author does it all the time."   
Tifa: "Well, why? Don't he know he can hit us?"   
Suddenly, a clattering is heard in the hall.   
Cid: "Huh? What happened?"   
Cloud: "It's... it's... HER!" Yuffie is there, and materia is scattered around her.   
Barret: "HEY! My materia! Dammit Yuffie, I coulda used that in da Sephiroth battle!"   
Yuffie: "It's not my fault... URP!" Highwind lurches, and Yuffie barfs again.   
Cid: "Yuffie, whadaya doin? YOU JUST BARFED IN THE ENGINE OF THE HIGHWIND! (#$^&@$ #@ *#($&^*@ (*#$($% @*# &*(#$(*@ &$(#*@ $&(@ $#*@($_@ *($& @*(# $*#$ @($9 *#$(_ $*#( *#$ #$@ @@#!@*(#$ #@*@)#% $*$ #$#*($*#@#;%# @@^%@!!!"   
Yuffie: "Geez, ya don't hafta get so mad! Besides, I'll stop barfin if you let me listen to my mmmb...URP!!!" Another barf. Yuffie gasps for breath. "My MMMbop song."   
Barret: "NO! NO! NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! Don't make us listen to that @*$ again!!! Put the CD down!!!"   
The Highwind lurches again.   
Yuffie: "URP!" Yuffie barfs into the engine once again, and drops the CD."   
Cid: "STOP BARFIN IN THE ENGINE! *#!~!"   
Yuffie: "Geez, I've been doin it ever since I boarded this thing, and it's not like it's done anything!"   
Suddenly alarms start to flash, and the Highwind shakes. The officers run into the engine room.   
Officer: "Sir! Something happened to the engine! We'll need to land quick!"   
Cid: "Aw #$()*#%()!!!! YUFFIE! LOOK WHAT YOU DID!   
Pilot: "We need to find a landing spot!"   
They run into the bridge.   
Cid: "Over there, on the road! There are no cars on it, and it's just large enough!"   
They start to land. Just a little too late, they see a truck in their landing zone. It has a sign on it reading 'Vicks and Wedge mercenaries.' 

* * *

__

Still in the cave...   
Rude: "Where are those mercenaries? They gotta get here now!"   
Elena: "I'll call them."   
But, as she says that, the PHS rings   
Reno answers it (even though he is still drunk)   
Reno: Hiya howareya I'm greatttt   
Wedge (on PHS): "Hi, uhhh, sorry, there's been a slight delay"   
Reno: "Whateverrrr. Juuust have make sureeee boozee!"   
Wedge: "What? Are you ok?"   
Suddenly, Rude grabs the PHS from Reno.   
Rude: "Sorry about that. Just don't mind him. What's keepin you though?"   
Wedge: "Well, you already owe us twenty gil. We both died."   
Rude: "WHAT? Uhh, ok. Whatever..." (Hangs up the PHS)   
Elena: "What'd they say?"   
Rude: "They said we already owe them 20 gil. They said they died."   
Elena: "Umm, whatever. What about Cloud? When's he coming?"   
Rude: "I dunno. I guess I'll call him."   
But, at that instant, Cloud and the gang fall in from above.   
Cloud: "Sorry we're late. So, what happened?"   
Reno: "Gimme beer, damnit! @$*#!(!!!!!!!!!!!"   
Cid: "Hey, I don't like this guy! He's beginnin to sound like me."   
Rude explains what happened.   
Cid: "Damn! So that's why Sith acted so weird."   
Barret: "Geez, I think knockin over Cid's dukes tapes is tha only thin that damn cat eva did right!"   
Cid: "WHAT'D YOU SAY BOUT MY TAPES? !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"   
Tifa: "Calm down, Cid!"   
Cid: "Shut up! An just leave me alone!"   
Tifa: "..."   
Cid: "I SAID SHUT THE $&#$*(*(#%*&*# UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"   
Cloud: "Cid, Tifa didn't say anything!   
Cid: "Uhh, oh. Sorry bout that"   
Rude: "It's ok."   
Reno: "OOOh look at all the beer!" Reno mistakes the wall of the cavern for beer, and starts licking it up.   
Just then, Vicks and Wedge arrive.   
Wedge: "Sorry we're late!"   
Vicks: "Only the best, for our guests!"   
Rude: "Shut up!"   
Palmer's voice is heard from above.   
Palmer: "Come back here! I saw you with lard!!!"   
Vicks: "Oh no, it's him again."   
Wedge: "He chased us all the way! He has some obsession with lard."   
Palmer: "That's it, I'm coming down there!" Palmer falls down the hole in Reeve's bed."   
Vicks: "Wha-- He's comin right for us!!!"   
Wedge: "Run, RUN!!!"   
Palmer falls on Vicks and Wedge, flattening them. Palmer then rolls off down the hallway.   
Palmer: "Hee hee hee... hic!"   
Rude: "That's forty gil." 

* * *

Reeve woke up inside a potato sack. _What the hell happened?_ he thought.   
Reeve wriggled out of the sack. He looked around for a few minutes, and he tried to recollect what the hell happened. He heard two voices in the background.   
Voice 1: "I WANT TO KILL CLOUD!!!"   
Voice 2: "Too bad. Lets have some fun with Cait first! I _did_ bring you back, after all."   
Reeve moved into the room where the voices were coming from. For a quick second, he got a glimpse of the first voice. Suddenly, he realized it was Sephiroth. The other person was in the shadows, and could not be made out.   
Sephiroth: "Gimmie that controller!"   
Voice 2: "NO!"   
Sephiroth swung his blade at the second person, but the blade bounced, and Sephiroth was suddenly paralyzed.   
Voice 2: "That's enough from you. Don't make me send you back to the lifestream."   
Sephiroth: "How do you think you'll do that?"   
Voice 2: "Oh, I have my ways. I can kill pretty much anything. Watch!" A glint of light shone as a knife flew across the room and hit Vicks, who fell backwards onto Wedge, flattening him.  
Sephiroth: "Hey, you killed Vicks and Wedge."

Reeve, unable to contain himself, was forced to scream out.   
Reeve: "YOU BASTARDS!"   
The second person turned around. Reeve, now coming back to reality, ran like hell. He didn't know where he was, or where he was running, but he ran. 

* * *

__

Inside the cave under Reeve's bed...   
Rude has joined Reno's drunken stage. They both wander around the cave.   
Elena: "This is stupid! We've been wandering around for ten minutes trying to find our way around, and now we might as well follow them two." Points at Reno and Rude.   
Cid: "Let's @$#&'n GO ALREADY!" ::Holds his spear up in the air, just as Vicks and Wedge fall from above. In a show of misfortune, they both fall directly on Cid's spear, and are impaled.   
Cid: "Whoops."   
Tifa: "Maybe following them around isn't a bad idea. Their path is as good as any."   
Suddenly, Vicks and Wedge walked in.   
Vicks: "We're back!"   
Wedge: "You owe us eigthy gil!"   
Rude and Reno accidentally drop their bottle of booze, and Vicks picks it up.   
Vicks: "Here you go." Tries to hand the bottle to Rude.   
Reno: "Oooh no! That's miiine!" Reno charges at Vicks, and beats him to death. The bottle flies through the air, and lands on Wedge. It breaks, spreading liquor all over the place.   
Reno and Rude see what has happened, and both savagely beat Wedge until he dies. Then they both run down two different paths.   
Cloud: "Ok, that's it. We'll follow them. Cid, Barret, Red, and Vincent come with me and follow Rude. Elena, Tifa, and Yuffie, and will watch after Cait. Tifa..."   
Tifa: "Yes Cloud?"   
Cloud: "Kick Reno in the nuts when you find him."   
Tifa: "Oh. Ok." Sighs.   
Cloud: (not noticing) "Ok! Lets go!"   
They all follow their drunk. 

* * *

__

In Cloud's Group...   
Red XIII: "Cloud, look at this!"   
Barret: "What do ya want, foo?"   
Cloud comes over. He sees a small button.   
Cid: "Well? Hurry up and press the damn thing!" Cid throws his spear at the button, pressing it and breaking it.   
Barret: "Good job, foo!"   
The group walks inside. Inside is mounds and mounds of ice cream (yeah, ice cream. In this fic, anything can happen.) There is a sign. Vincent reads it.   
Vincent: "It says: Do not break button with spears. Otherwise, you are trapped and have to eat your way out. You cannot melt it. It will only be eaten." There is a wall of ice cream blocking their way, and the door slams down.   
Cid said some choice words.   
Barret: "Watch your ^@#*(&'n mouth!"   
Cid: "WHAT'D YOU SAY YOU ^# $#%#????"   
Suddenly, an echo comes out, and the ice cream wall starts to fall down a little bit.   
Red XIII: "Oh, great job,. Look what you did. Now we don't have to eat the ice cream, we just have to wait until it falls on us and freezes us to death!"   
Rude (Still drunk) falls face first into the ice cream.   
Cloud: "Well, we might as well start eating now."   
The group starts eating the wall of ice cream. 

* * *

__

Back at Elena's group...   
Yuffie: "You've had enough turns! It's my turn now!"   
Tifa: "Aw, shut up. This is fun! And besides, Cloud told _me_ to do it.."   
Yuffie: "Oh well! I'm takin over, ya ho!" Pushes Tifa aside.   
Yuffie starts kicking Reno in the nuts.   
Tifa (red faced): "WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?"   
Yuffie: "I" (kick) "called" (kick) "you" (kick) "a" (kick) "HO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (Huge kick to Reno in the nuts, Reno screams a few octaves higher than humanly possible.   
Elena: "Calm down, you two. Aren't we supposed to be looking for Reeve?"   
Tifa and Yuffie: "WHO ASKED YOU, YA DIKE?"   
Elena: "Ooooh, that just draws the line. DIE!" Does a huge jump kick at Tifa, but Tifa dodges, and Elena's kick hits Reno in the nuts.   
Elena: "You're right, that is fun!"   
Tifa: "Ok! Lets try it all together! One... Two... THREE!" 

* * *

__

Back in the ice cream cavern   
Barret is eating his ice cream through his new 'Gun Arm Ice Cream Eatin Attachment Which Is Sold In Every Store Even Though There Are Only Two People On Earth Who Use Gun Arms' gimmick. Cid is trying to scoop his way through the wall. Red is snarfing down ice cream as fast as he can. Cloud is trying to make an ice cream statue of Aeris. Vincent is eating very tiny bites of ice cream.   
Barret: "VINCENT! HURRY UP AN EAT, FOO!"   
Vincent: "Eating this ice cream is yet another sin for me. I should not do this."   
Cid: "Aw, that's just enough of this crap! JUST EAT THE DAMN ICE CREAM! An Cloud! Just &*(@'n EAT!!!!!" Throws his spear into Cloud's statue, which, coincidentally, goes right through the same spot where Aeris was hit before.   
Cloud (staring at his statue): "Why??! It's all my fault, isn't it! WHY????????"   
Barret: "Don't force me to break out into song!" Prepares to sing Weird Al's parody of Beat it.   
Cloud: "NO! NOT THAT! I'LL EAT!" Starts to snarf down ice cream as fast as he can.   
Vicks and Wedge miraculously come into the room.   
Barret: "Huh? How'd you do that?"   
Vicks: "We used the teleporter! I guess we don't need it anymore!" Throws it into the ice cream, where it fizzles and breaks.   
Cid: "WHY THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT? WE NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE!"   
Wedge: "Only the best, for our guests!" Cid is trying to figure out how it works.   
Vicks: "It breaks when it gets wet or touches something cold. It's broken!"   
Red: "YOU *(^%!!!!!!!!!!!"   
Barret: "Just eat the ice cream, foo's."   
Vicks and Wedge start their own tunnels of ice cream.   
Suddenly, an extremely loud and high pitched scream is heard. The ice cream begins to shake.   
Cid: "What the hell was that?"   
Barret: "I pity the fool who screams like that!"   
Cloud: "GET OUT OF YOUR TUNNELS!"   
They all run out as the ice cream collapses onto the tunnels.   
Cloud: "Is everyone out?"   
Cid: "All but those Vicks and Wedge guys."   
Cloud: "Good. Everyone keep diggin, or else.   
Red: "Or else what?"   
Barret: "Or else you gotta listen to my singin! 1...2...1..2..3..4!!   
Red: "Oh god, NO!" Even Vincent begins to eat like hell. 

_

* * *

_

Yuffie: "Elena, look what you've done!" Points at Reno, passed out on the floor.   
Vicks and Wedge walk in. They start doing a take off of the Team Rocket motto.   
Vicks: "Prepare for trouble!"   
Wedge: "And make it double"   
Vicks: "To bring upon us devastation!"   
Wedge: "To Ignite ourselves within our nation!:   
Vicks: "To be impaled with Cid's spear!"   
Wedge: "To be killed by Pikachu over here!" (points to pikachu)   
Vicks: "Vicks!"   
Wedge: "Wedge"   
Vicks: "Vicks and Wedge DIE at the speed of light!"   
Wedge: "Surrender now, or prepare to watch us die... AGAIN!"   
The pikachu Wedge pointed to: "Pika Pi!" 

Tifa: "Uhh, ok."   
Elena: "Oooh! More fun!" Grabs Wedge and kicks him in the nuts.   
Wedge: "AAAUGH!" (dies)   
Elena: "Aw damn, he didn't last like Reno does.   
Tifa: "That's cuz Reno grew up being kicked in the nuts. What about him?"   
Vicks: "Huh? Me? Oh, no!" Vicks tries to run, but Yuffie is behind him and kicks him in the nuts. Vicks dies.   
Elena: "Damn. No more fun until Reno regains consciousness."   
Tifa: "Can't you kick him while he's unconcious?" Elena: "It's not as fun that way. We need to wait until he's awake." Tifa: "But then he won't be drunk!"   
Elena: "He will now!" Takes out a bottle of tequila, puts it into a syringe, and injects it into Reno's vain. 

_

* * *

_

Cloud: "I finally got through the tunnel!"   
The others look at Cloud, and look down his tunnel.   
Barret: "Well, whaddaya know? He's good for somethin'"   
They crawled through his Ice Cream tunnel, and met Vicks and Wedge on the other side.   
Vicks and Wedge began their motto.   
Vicks: "Prepare for trouble!"   
Wedge: "And make it double"   
Vicks: "To bring upon us devastation!"   
Wedge: "To Ignite ourselves within our nation!:   
Vicks: "To be impaled with Cid's spear!"   
Wedge: "To be killed by Pikachu over here!" (points to pikachu)   
Vicks: "Vicks!"   
Wedge: "Wedge"   
Vicks: "Vicks and Wedge DIE at the speed of light!"   
Wedge: "Surrender now, or prepare to watch us die... AGAIN!"   
The pikachu Wedge pointed to: "Pika Pi!"   
Cid: "oook."   
Pikachu: "Pika!" Stares at Vicks and Wedge   
Wedge: "Uhhh I don't think it likes us!"   
Vicks: "You pointed at it!"   
Pikachu: "PiikaaCHU!" Hits Vicks and Wedge with lightning, Vicks and Wedge die.   
The group simply stands there, dumbfounded. Cid: "All I can say about them is... What the $*(%?!?!?!?" Barret: "Well, that's better. We gotta get outta here."   
Cid: "Damn straight!" 

_

* * *

_

Reno: _"_AAAAUGH!!!!"   
Tifa: "Again! Lets do it again!" The group is enjoying kicking Reno in the nuts.   
Elena: "Hey, weren't we supposed to be doing something?"   
Yuffie: "Who cares? This is fun!"   
Elena: "Yeah, you're right."   
Nobody noticed that Cait Sith had already left. They were too busy kicking Reno in the nuts to pay any attention.   
Suddenly, Cloud and his group burst out of the wall.   
Cloud: "Tifa? What are you doing here? And where's Cait?"   
Tifa: "Umm, well, say Cloud, you wanna try to kick Reno in the nuts?"   
Cloud: "Why?"   
Tifa: "It's the only way to get back Cait!"   
Cloud: "Whatever." Kicks Reno in the nuts   
Cloud: "That's fun!" (Yelling to everyone else) "You guys gotta come over here! This is some fun stuff!"   
The rest of the group come over and kick Reno in the nuts.   
Reno: "WHYMEWHYMEWHYMEWHYMEEEE?" ::Passes out::   
Vincent: "Aren't we supposed to be looking for Reeve?   
Cloud: "Oh yeah. I didn't think of that. Ok, lets go." The entire group walks down the hallway. 

* * *

__

Gotta Run, Gotta Run, Gotta Run! 

These were the thoughts going through Reeve's head. He ran as fast as he could. After a long time of running, he finally found two figures. Unfortunately, they were not people he wanted to see.   
Vicks: "Prepare for trouble!"   
Wedge: "And make it double"   
Vicks: "To bring upon us devastation!"   
Wedge: "To Ignite ourselves within our nation!:   
Vicks: "To be impaled with Cid's spear..."   
Reeve: "DAMMIT! OUT OF MY @$*'N WAY!" Rams past Vicks and Wedge, and knocks them into the wall. The impact of them hitting the wall caused two stalagcites to fall directly on their heads, splitting their heads open and killing them.   
Reeve continued to run, and finally came across something besides Vicks and Wedge.   
??: "Don't make my moogle hurt ya"   
Reeve: "Oh crap."   
Cait Sith: "Ha! Sorry, but you're dead."   
Reeve: "No I'm not! Nobody ever raises _your_ levels in the game. You're basically a useless character! I designed you that way! HA!"   
Cait Sith: "Sh... shu... SHUT UP!"   
Reeve: "Fine! Be that way, you whiney baby!" Runs past Cait Sith before Cait's controllers knew what was happening.   
Reeve ran as fast as he could when he was out of Cait Sith's way. He finally found the group, and explained what happened.   
Reeve: "Guys! I just was trapped by two weird guys, and one was Sephiroth but the other one I don't know what he was, but I just escaped and they have control of Cait Sith now! I need your help!"   
Cloud: "Calm down. First, look how fun it is to kick Reno in the nuts!"   
Reeve: "Does that even matter? People are after me! I'm gonna die!"   
Cait Sith comes around the corner.   
Cait Sith: "Time to die!"   
Vicks and Wedge show up.   
Vicks: "Hey! That's our job!"   
Cait Sith: "Who asked you??" Cait Sith hits Vicks, and Vicks dies.   
Wedge: "Ha ha! Vicks got killed by the most useless character in the--URP--" Wedge gets hit by Cait Sith and dies too.   
Cid: "Thank god they didn't sing that goddammned motto!"   
Reeve: "What are you doing? I just escaped being kidnapped! KICK IT'S ASS!"   
Cloud: "You heard him! ATTACK!"   
They all attack Cait Sith, but Cait Sith pulls out of the battle, just as Vicks and Wedge show up behind him.   
Vicks: "Prepare for trouble!"   
Wedge: "And make it double"   
Vicks: "To bring upon us devastation!"   
Wedge: "To Ignite ourselves within... AAH!" Sees AVALANCHE and the Turks come to attack them, when they're trying to attack Cait Sith."   
Cait Sith: "See you guys later!" Runs off, leaving the group accidentally attacking Vicks and Wedge. Vicks and Wedge both die.   
Rude(no longer drunk): "What the hell? Where am I?"   
Elena: "Follow us!"   
Rude: "Wait! What's goin on?"   
Cid: "JUST FOLLOW US, DAMMIT"   
The group follows Cait Sith down the hall, and soon encounter Sephiroth and the mysterious voice talking.   
Sephiroth: "Our plan is ruined! Why don't we just do the job ourselves!"   
?? Voice: "How will you do that?"   
Sephiroth: "Well, I'll just stab him! It worked on Aeris, and they were too stupid to even use a phoenix down!"   
?? Voice: "Just make sure I get my... payment."   
Sephiroth (sighs): "Fine. You'll get it when we finish."   
Cloud comes running in. "I knew it! You're still alive!"   
Sephiroth: "Well, it looks like we didn't have to look for them. They came right to us!"   
Cid (to ?? voice): "Who the *@ are you?"   
?? voice: "You'll never guess... hee hee hee... hic!"   
All: "Palmer?"   
Palmer: "Of course! You think anyone else could do this! Now FEEL MY POWER!"   
Palmer starts to eat everything in the room.   
Palmer: "Yum! Yum! Lard! YUMMY LARD!"   
Cid: "What the hell are you doing?"   
Vicks and Wedge walk in (yet again)   
Vicks: "Prepare for trouble!"   
Wedge: "And make it double"   
Palmer: "LAAARD!!!!" Jumps at Vicks and Wedge and eats them.   
Barret: "What about Marlene?"   
Marlene: "I'm right here daddy!"   
Palmer Eats Marlene   
Barret: "NOOOO! You Bastard! DIE!" Starts to fire bullets at Palmer, but Palmer eats them all.   
Palmer: "MMMM! Crunchy Lardy Metal!"   
Barret: "I pity the foo' who eats my bullets!"   
Vicks and Wedge walk back in.   
Suddenly, the ground is heard shaking. Barret's comment echoes through the caves. The wall flies apart, and a car comes out, hitting Vicks and Wedge. The car is Mr. T's custom van!!!!   
Mr. T: "I pity the foo' who thinks he's cool!"   
Barret: "M...mmm...mmMr. T!"   
Mr. T: "You betta stop impersonating me, ya hear?"   
Barret: "But... but..."   
Mr. T (starts screaming):"I AUGHTA KILL YOU NOW!" Mr. T proceeds to pick Barret up and throw him to Saturn. Mr. T climbs back into his van and takes off, crashing into Vicks and Wedge on his way out.   
Reno (still drunk): "Yo! Fat man! Gimme booze!"   
Palmer: "Ooooh! Lard! Boozy lard!" Eats Reno.   
Elena: "You just ate a Turk, and that's against ShinRa policy!"   
Palmer: "What? Well nobody will find out, then!" Eats Elena and Rude.   
Cid: "Stop eating everybody!"   
Sephiroth: "This time, I shall kill you, Cloud!" Pulls out his Masumane.   
Cloud, all of a sudden, starts to do the Cloud Strife freakout.   
Cloud: "Nooo! Stop...this!"   
Tifa: "Cloud? What's wrong?"   
Cloud: "Ice...cream...headache!!!" collapses to the ground.   
Tifa: "NOOOOO!"   
Slowly, all the rest of the men of AVALANCHE begin to follow the same fate. Now, only Tifa, Reeve, and Yuffie were standing.   
Yuffie (totally ignoring the situations around her): "Woo hoo! Materia raid!" Takes all of the men's materia.   
Tifa: "Yuffie, what are you doing?"   
Reeve: "I just escaped death, and you're stealing their materia? Come on!"   
Yuffie: "Shut up!" ::Flashes Reeve. Reeve faints.::   
Tifa: "Oh god. I'm glad I didn't see that. He'll be out for a long time." ::sees Yuffie stealing Cloud's materia.:: "Don't you want to save them??!"   
Yuffie: "Whatever." Continues to take their materia.   
Sephiroth: "Ha! You'll never win!"   
Tifa stops and thinks for a while.   
Tifa: "Aha! I know!"   
Tifa, knowing that Yuffie likes shiny objects, takes out a roll of new, shiny pennies.   
Tifa: "Yuffie, look what I have!!"   
Yuffie looks up and sees the shine of the pennies.   
Yuffie: "OOOOOH! Shiney! Gimme, GIMME!!!"   
Tifa then throws all of the pennies at Sephiroth.   
Sephiroth: "What the hell did you do that for? I mean come on! I'm the son of Jenova, and you think you can hurt me with--"   
Yuffie starts to edge closer to Sephiroth.   
Yuffie: "You better give those back NOW!"   
Now Sephiroth starts to see the picture, and the danger he is in.   
Yuffie: "I'll rape you!"   
Sephiroth: "NO! Stop! Please!" ::He struggles to get the pennies out of his coat. "Just a little more time! PLEASE!"   
It was too late. Yuffie then jumped on Sephiroth, and Sephiroth ran down the hall, Yuffie close behind. A few minutes later, a series of painful screams could be heard from down the hall. 

* * *

__

Meanwhile... 

Cloud: "Ooooh, Aeris! Tifa! Come back here! One more time!"   
Aeris + Tifa: "Oh Cloud! Yes!"   
Suddenly, Aeris disappeared, and Cloud saw Palmer on top of him.   
Cloud: "Oh my god! WHAT THE #%*( HAPPENED?"   
Palmer (digesting Cloud's hair gel (from his head)): "MMMMMM!!!!! This gel is so full of wonderful LARD!"   
Cloud: "You're... suffocating... me... get... off... mee..."   
Palmer: "Oh no! You have to go back down again!" ::Palmer begins to fart::   
Cloud: "AAAH! No! Stop!" ::Pulls out his sword.:: "Huh? What the hell?" ::finds sword to be just a stump:: "PALMER GODDAMN YOU! YOU ATE MY SWORD!"   
Tifa suddenly sees Cloud under Palmer, and is freaked out by the sight.   
Tifa: "Palmer! You get off my man! Oh no! Cloud, sweetie, PLEASE! Don't tell me you... sway that way..."   
Cloud (unconscious): ...   
Tifa: "Cloud! Even if you did, how could you go for... him?" ::points to Palmer::   
Cloud: ...   
Palmer: "OOOH! I bet that little animal has a lot of nice, juicy LARD!" ::starts running to RedVIII::   
RedVIII suddenly wakes up then, and sees Palmer charging at him.   
RedVIII: "Holy crap! I need help now! IFRIT!"   
::time passes, and nothing happens::   
RedVIII: "Uhh, Ifrit?" ::checks his materia:: "Oh no... where's my materia? Oh NO! YUFFIE!"   
Palmer: "I'm going to get you!" ::takes a bite out of RedVIII's leg::   
RedVIII starts to scratch Palmer, but his limbs sink into Palmer.   
RedVIII: "Oh $(*@ I'm trapped! WHY???"   
Palmer: "Hee hee hee... hic! I've got you now! TIME TO DIE, DOGGY!"   
RedVIII: "I'm not a doggy! Get away from me! HEEEEEEEELP!"   
The rest of the men are waking up now.   
Cid: "Holy *$#%. Palmer's got Red!"   
Tifa is still huddling over Cloud.   
Tifa: "Speak, Cloud! Say it ain't so! I know you! I grew up with you! Don't tell me you want... him...."   
Cloud is starting to regain consciousness now.   
Cloud: "Uh... ooow. Hellllllllllpp."   
Tifa (not noticing cloud is regaining consciousness): "You'll never see THESE again!" ::Suddenly takes off her shirt::   
Now even Palmer stops what they're doing.   
Palmer (dropping RedVIII): "OOOOOH! Those are MINE! ALL MINE!"   
Tifa then realizes what she just did. Tifa: "No! These are NOT for you!" ::puts her shirt back on:: "Gyaaaaah! Cloud, help me!"   
Cloud gets back up, but when he tries to stab Palmer, he notices his sword is still a stump.   
Cloud: "I can't! Someone else has to do it!"   
Vicks comes in through the door.   
Vicks: "Did somebody call for 'Someone else'?   
Wedge (close behind him): "Only the best, for our guests! EEYAH!" ::Jumps on Palmer::   
Palmer: "Hee hee hee... hic! You'll never kill me! I'm... PALMER!"   
Vicks: "Oh yeah? Take this! Tek Missile!"   
Wedge: "Yeah! Another Tek Missile!"   
The missiles launch, going straight for Palmer, but when they hit his chest, they immediately bounce back off, heading straight for Vicks and Wedge.   
Palmer: "Hee hee hee... hic! That's the power of... LARD!"   
Wedge: "NOOOOOO! Not again!"   
Vicks and Wedge both die.   
Vincent: "You killed them both... You're almost as bad as Yuffie."   
Cloud: "Where is Yuffie, anyways?"   
Tifa: "Umm..."   
Cloud: "Tifa... did you let Yuffie get away... from us... without supervision?"   
Tifa: "Cloud... sweetie... it's not so bad..."   
Cid: "What the %*(! do ya mean 'it's not so *(#$'n bad'? YUFFIE IS LOOSE! Who knows what kinda damage she could do?"   
Tifa: "I wasn't thinking about that! Uhh... I DID get rid of Sephiroth!"   
Cid: "**I** could've gotten rid of Sephiroth. Sephiroth's just a weak $#*(. PALMER's the real problem here! An' now on top of that, we got YUFFIE runnin around loose!"   
Cloud: "Umm... Tifa, how DID you get rid of Sephiroth after all?"   
Tifa: "Uh... well... I kinda... gotyuffietorapehim..."   
Everyone: "WHAT?"   
Vincent: "Oh man..."   
RedVIII: "Poor.... poor... Sephiroth..."   
Palmer: "Oh yeah! Now back to what I was doing. Come here, little doggie!"   
RedVIII: "Oh no you don't! STOP!"   
Palmer: "You're not getting away so easily this time! I can go 50 times faster than you! BOWLING BALL!!" ::Palmer then starts to roll up into a ball. His massive weight sends him flying toward Red.   
RedVIII: "Ha ha! That'll never work on me!" ::Red jumps through a hole in the wall.::   
Palmer: "You don't know the power of being fat! Hee hee hee... hic!" ::Palmer goes straight through the wall.::   
RedVIII: "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"   
Yuffie then walks into the room, dragging a beaten, dead Sephiroth behind him.   
Yuffie: "Hi everyone!!!!!!!! Look what I got!"   
Vincent: "Oh.... dear... god... no. Poor... Sephiroth.."   
Cid: "What the *#$! did you do to him?"   
Palmer looks up.   
Palmer: "Who dares to interrupt my feasting!"   
Yuffie: "Aww, shut up ya..." Yuffie then sees who is talking. "P...p...p... Palmer?"   
Palmer: "Yuffie?"   
Cid: "Awright, what the hell is goin on?"   
Palmer and Yuffie, paying no attention to Cid, run towards each other. They start talking in some strange language.   
Palmer: "Prava fen gew vont tran?"   
Yuffie: "Von t ewi enn fol lutuf peoeir. Jei awte yne neo?"   
Palmer: "Ewwr nf t ear th bo uno aenewa eu tiw nert."   
Yuffie: "Veeh tei wenf teemd doe fig shon."   
Vicks and Wedge come in again. Reeve regains consciousness.   
Vicks + Wedge: "We're baaaaaaaack!"   
Reeve: "Oh god. I feel reeeeeeeealy sick."   
Cid: "DID YOU HEAR ME THE FIRST TIME? WHAT THE HELL IS GOIN ON?"   
Palmer and Yuffie then dissapear into thin air. Finally, after a while,   
Cid: "NO! I GOTTA KNOW!"   
RedVIII: "I think I might know..."   
Cid: "Tell me. Tell me! &*(#"n TELL ME!!!!"   
RedVIII: "Calm down, Cid. From what I understand, that was a strange alien tongue used by aliens a few thousand years ago."   
Cid: "So what are you sayin? Palmer and Yuffie are messed up aliens?"   
RedVIII: "That's what I think. Lovers, actually."   
At this thought, the whole group almost faints. Reeve passes out again. Vicks and Wedge start freaking out at the thought, and both die... again.   
Cid: "That sure would explain a lot... No wonder that fat $(*# got to be in charge of the space division."   
Cloud: "So now we won't be seeing Yuffie or Palmer again?"   
Cid: "It better be like that! Woohoo!"   
Tifa: "Hey! What happened to Cait Sith's controller and his body?"   
Vincent: "What, that thing?" ::points to a controller on the ground:: "It looks like the control stick is jammed forward... and it's coming toward us."   
Suddenly, a rumbling was heard, and Cait Sith came through a hole in the cavern. At the same time, Vicks and Wedge appeared.   
Wedge: "We're back!"   
Vicks: "Maybe we won't die again."   
Cid: "Ya can only hope. Look behind ya!"   
Vicks turned around, but it was too late. Cait Sith's massive foot crushed Vicks's body quickly. However, Wedge was a little luckier. Being a few feet ahead of Vicks, Wedge escaped death.   
Wedge: "Hey! For once I didn't die! Woohoo!"   
Vicks rushes in. "You bastard! What the hell do you think you're doing? I'll kill you myself!"   
Vicks pulled out a rocket launcher and charged at Wedge. Unfortunately, Vicks tripped over his own feet, flew forward, and landed on the rocket launcher, which promptly went off and disintigrated Vicks.   
Reeve woke up, but after passing out so many times, was a little woozy. Reeve grabbed the Sith controller, and got it under control... almost.   
Cloud: "Ok, it looks like we have to get back to the surface. Lets mose--- uhh... Move out."   
Cid: "Damn Straight!" 

The End... for now.

* * *

  
_Ok! This is my first fanfic. I know you have questions (like what's gonna happen to Barret, where are Yuffie and Palmer going, why does this fic suck so much, and how could Reeve survive after... that sight... Ok, you don't, but this is just crappy filler space, and you know it!) I'll probably write a sequel soon (I can hear your screams.) First, I have to give credit to the best site ever, Cosmo Canyon (which is now gone...) A bunch of my ideas came from that site, if you haven't noticed. Give me feedback on what you think. (And if some doesn't make sense, it's probably because I revised it and probably left 70 broken plot holes in it) Send (hate) mail to Skulryk@starmen.net. Thanks for reading my fic! (And feel free to MST it to hell.)_

__

Oh, and most of the characters used in this fanfic are probably owned by Squaresoft or something. Hah! You can't sue me now! Oh, yeah, and I'm not making money off this, of course!

~Skulryk


End file.
